The Style Invitational Week 900 Dear us!
Saturday, December 25, 2010;
Dear Obama: They're just so hard to
please, aren't they? - Sincerely, Bush
Dear Y: Commit already! - Sincerely, A,
E, I, O and U
Dear America: Due to the current
financial restraints, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
until further notice. - Sincerely, The Government
On this day of giving, and in
this last Invite of the year, the Empress is pleased to poach from Dear Blank
Please Blank, a Web site to which some very clever and some not very clever
people submit, anonymously, very brief "letters" of the form
"Dear [Blank], [Funny thing.] Sincerely, [Blank],"
as in the recent examples above.
This week: Submit such a
"Dear Blank" letter to us instead. The body of the letter should run
no more than 30 words, unless a few more words will turn it into an
astonishingly brilliant and hilarious display of wit. Do not post your entries
on the actual site until after our results appear online on Jan. 21, or else
we'll assume you stole them.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives something you'll wish
you got for Christmas: this handsome corrugated-steel necktie intended for use
as a musical washboard. It makes quite a spirited rattle with the aid of the
two thimbles included, as the Empress discovered upon trying it out in a
restaurant. Donated by Russell Beland.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser
magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener"
(Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per
week. Send your entries by e-mail to
losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 3. Put
"Week 900" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being
ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your
entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries
become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results to be published Sunday, Jan. 23. No
purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, or their
immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be
disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp;
the honorable-mentions subhead is by Roy Ashley. This week's contest was
suggested by Kevin Dopart.
Report from Week 896, in which we asked what would happen if one institution on a list we
supplied were run by another one on the list, or by an organization of your
choice:
The winner of the Inker
If an adult bookstore ran
FedEx Field, under every seat would be a brown paper bag to be worn on the ride
home. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)
2 winner of the Intel-style
"Loser Inside" decal: If "Dancing With
the Stars" ran a preschool, even the most awkward student could survive
Musical Chairs, if enough people liked her mom. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)
3 If a police
department ran a preschool, toddlers would be cuffed at naptime if they
resisted a rest. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
4 If the TSA ran L'Oreal
Cosmetics, they could tell you how to cover that birthmark on your inner thigh.
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase)
Merge with caution: Honorable mentions
If the Department of Defense
ran a preschool, each child would receive a development plan after a five-year
approval process. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
If Prince George's County
liquor stores ran the police department . . . Okay, if they ran the department
better, maybe the FBI wouldn't have gotten involved. (Kevin Dopart,
Washington)
Were a college English
department to run Starbucks, it would be called Starbuck's. (Jeff Contompasis)
If Starbucks were run by the
U.S. Marine Corps, the 87,000 possible combinations would be reduced to two -
coffee or no coffee - and whichever option you chose, you would be given the
other and told to like it. (Col. Drew Bennett, USMC, Ret.)
If an adult bookstore ran a
preschool, the pop-up books would be far more educational. (Larry Yungk)
If the Three Stooges ran
L'Oreal Cosmetics, they could still use "Three Blind Mice" as the
theme song. (Kevin Dopart)
If FedEx ran FedEx Field,
then you could be absolutely, positively sure you would get home overnight.
(Steve Offutt, Arlington)
If the tea party ran
Starbucks, it would balance the company's budget by not charging sales tax.
(Joe Godles, Bethesda, a First Offender)
If WikiLeaks
ran the tea party, a Mad Hater would be in charge. (Harold
Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.)
If Barnes & Noble ran an
adult bookstore, sales would skyrocket for its Nook e-reader. (Jeff Contompasis)
If a preschool ran an SAT
prep class, you'd know you were in Bethesda. (Kevin Dopart)
If Kim Jong Il ran FedEx Field, it would still be a petty dictatorship
with more media attention than threat potential. (Kevin Dopart)
If Disney Studios ran FedEx
Field, the players might be more animated. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh)
If the Bowl Championship
Series ran an adult bookstore, no Texas Christians would be allowed in. (Joel
Cockrell, Damascus)
If an adult bookstore ran
TSA, the pat-downs could be self-administered. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
If the Democratic Party ran
FedEx field, the Redskins would face a turnover only once every two years.
(Danny Bravman, Chicago)
If the tea party ran Dairy
Queen, it would change the name to Dairy Deviant. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
If the Marine Corps ran a hot
dog vendor, the hot dogs would cost $3,000, but their buns would be hard as
steel. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)
If the Democratic Party ran
L'Oreal Cosmetics, it would create a new line of lipstick for pigs, just to
prove its argument. (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.)
If the Democratic Party ran
the Republican National Committee, it would keep Michael Steele. (Kevin Dopart)
If a police department were
run by Amazon.com, when someone was arrested for breaking and entering, he'd be
asked if he'd also like to be arrested for trespassing, robbery and possession
of stolen goods. (Drew Bennett)
If the TSA ran an adult
bookstore the staffers would quickly become bored, having seen much better
stuff at work. (Gary Crockett)
If L'Oreal
Cosmetics ran an adult bookstore, the bestsellers would be filled with makeup
sex. (Chris Doyle)
If WikiLeaks
ran FedEx Field, it would pre-publish the Redskins' Sunday game plans, which
opponents apparently have access to anyway. (Howard Walderman,
Columbia)
If The Washington Post ran
FedEx Field, it would combat sagging fan loyalty and weak ticket sales with
early retirement of its best players and by showing all the games online for
free. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
Next week: Catch their drift, or A
snide-angle lens